:It’s time:

So, I’ve decided that it is officially time…to get motivated. I never do resolutions because they never work…so what I’m going is a “bucket list” of things I want to accomplish this year. Call it a resolution list or whatever you want but I’m doing this for me.

1. Quit smoking: (1/16/12: was my last cigarette and it was at 10:30 pm)

2. Have a clean house up and down.

3. Have all of our bills paid in full by June, and be set to where we can pay each and every one of our bills on time.

4. Lose 60 lbs by November.

….and I may come up with more as time goes on…but those are my top 4 right now that I can think of.

And I will be writing a blog each night on how the quitting smoking thing is going….so far I’m a little twitchy but it will be okay once I fall asleep and wake up and not have one…and I can keep myself busy by focusing on #2 of my list.

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:The Peak:

Ok, I’ll admit that sometimes life gets stressful and sometimes life gets in the way of things that really matter, like spending time with your children, or spending that much needed time with your husband/wife/spouse etc. And I am very guilty of not doing some of those things when I really should.

I’ve been reflecting a lot lately on how my life should be, and where it should be going and right now I just feel like at a loss. I spend a lot of my time on this god forsaken laptop watching tv shows (because well we don’t have cable and I really had/have a lot of catching up to do and it makes me happy) instead of “socializing” (as my husband would call it) with him. But I am not the only guilty one in this. Every time that I want to talk to him about finances, or important things he usually just shrugs it off and refuses to talk to me about it, and I feel like that is a HUGE damper in our communication skills as a husband and wife.

I know that I need to spend more time with him, but sometimes, I hate saying this, but sometimes I feel like we have NOTHING in common anymore. Granted, my husband and I have been together 5 years (January 28th will make it 5 years) and I don’t know if there is something that we lost down the road that we forgot about or that we just can’t find, but sometimes it feels like we are just passing through the days apart instead of completely together.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I love my husband with every part of my being and if anything were to happen to him, or myself, or our relationship in general I would be devastated. But I just want to know that I’m not losing my best friend, that I’m not losing the things that matter the most, to both of us…the communication and the bond of our marriage.

Life seems to be just passing us by…I mean we live together, we eat together, we sleep together, and we sleep in the same bed together, but there will be certain days where I feel like I’m living with a complete stranger or that I’m living with someone that I don’t even know what their interests or personality is anymore. Ok, correction, I know what my husbands personality is…he’s a sarcastic, hard headed, stubborn asshole and that’s who he is and those things are what I love and what I hate about him at times. I just can’t seem to grasp where things seemed to get so crazy and where life passed us up. Sometimes it’s just the same routine…I’m home with kids all day everyday, I make dinner, I cook I clean, I do laundry and I sit on the computer and I watch television shows and play on Facebook because that is what makes me happy…but sometimes I wish that something else made me happy, that having an adult conversation with my husband would make me happy. But sometimes I feel it’s always best to just keep my mouth shut.

I don’t know if it’s his pride, or if it’s man nature to just keep things bottled up but sometimes I just don’t know if I can take that. I want to know that our finances are going to get better, I want to know that I’m not just drowning in this pool by myself. We have made a plan for when tax time comes around and what we are going to do with those finances, but I’m talking once February is gone where do we leave off?

We also moved in to our current house WAYYY too soon, and it wasn’t because we wanted to but we NEEDED to. There was no getting past it, and I’m grateful that this lease ends in May or whatever so that we aren’t stuck here until September, but even then if we want to move we are going to have to be able to put that deposit and first month’s rent down without having to pay it week to week. And I won’t lie, we seriously live week to week and that is how life has been for two years. Trent and I usually play the “this is where we could have been game” and sometimes it’s sickening. He had a VERY good paying job and so did I, I even looked over bank statements and said to him “Wow, I made more money then you did here and here” and still we squandered it away like we were teenagers and didn’t have any bills or a life to prepare for. But I’m in this mode where I want to make sure that things get paid, they get paid on time etc and so forth and it just seems that I am the only one that thinks about those things. He tells me that those things are on his mind and not to think that they aren’t but I mean if he doesn’t talk to me if he doesn’t tell me then how am I supposed to know? I feel like our communication skills went out the window on while life passed us by and say “to hell with you”.

And it also doesn’t help that my daughter will be attending Kindergarten this Fall, and I feel like we are NO WHERE near prepared for this major step in our child’s life. Because come Summer we are going to have to register her for school, and let me get started on the fact that all day Kindergarten costs like $2000, and I want to make sure that she is in all day Kindergarten so that I know that she isn’t falling behind. Because I want her to be successful from the gate. But with registering for school comes book rental, clothes, backpack, school supplies and I’m seriously kind of freaking out about it.

Our son’s birthday is also coming up, he’s going to be 4 and since our families can’t be in the same room with each other without everyone having some snide comment to make or a comment that doesn’t mesh well with others, he isn’t even going to have a really big party and that seems so unfair to me. My daughter has had 5 amazing birthday parties, and I feel like yet again, our son is being swept under a rug because of our families. So, instead of doing something with everyone we are having to have separate parties, and that just doesn’t seem fair to me.

And, it’s January and I know that this should be the last thing from my mind, but I’m also worried about Christmas, yes I said it CHRISTMAS. It’s bad enough that I can’t even remember the last time we were able to buy for our children and for EACH OTHER. It’s been a hell of a long time. So, now it’s trying to build a budget for not only life, but everything that life throws at us, birthdays, holidays, anniversaries etc. I have continually been asking myself, “When does this roller coaster called life end?”

But back to my main point about my husband and I, I’m just kind of stuck…I feel like we are lost in our marriage and I want to find our way back again. I mean going back to church and getting closer to God is a huge step, but it has to be both sides trying not just one for it to all work. 😦 I have no idea what to say anymore or to do anymore it’s like I’m a stick in the mud, a very big stick, in mud, mixed with cement. Stuck for an unknown amount of time….

 

:It’s a new year!:

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So, tonight I’m in the blogging mood! And first off I just want to say HAPPY NEW YEAR! lol.

My new year has started on a good note. I run this fan page on Facebook which is the 365 Day Photo Challenge and seriously in 24-36 there was over 300 likes….I couldn’t believe it that everyone that “liked” the page was wanting to start something for their new year’s resolutions. Now, I’m not a big fan of resolutions, because normally I’m not a big fan of making promises to yourself that you aren’t going to keep, but as long as these people did this I’m kind of a believer now. I actually had to restart my challenge because I always found a reason to not be a part of it or to give up but I’m making myself keep with it.

I guess to start I should probably start with my new years. I got to spend it with my hubby, and his cousin Jason and his girlfriend Katie (whom I love). We watched the pre-countdown shows, as well as the actual countdown and just had a pretty great time. Our friend Brooke came by for a little bit and it was just pretty awesome. It was one of the best times I’ve had in a long time.

Midnight Kiss

And when we did our champagne toast we did a “whoever can drink theirs the fastest wins the rest of what’s in the bottle”…and of course I just wanted to be cool and have the bottle so I chugged my champagne (bad idea lol) but hey I won the bottle!

I'm a lush 🙂

I was so happy to be able to see Brooke, I haven’t seen her in forever and I of course had to get a picture with her. The lighting in my house sucks so we took this in the kitchen bahahahah

LOVE my bestie!

And the rest of the night and pictures kind of speak for themselves, we even let our little man stay up and give me a kiss at midnight 🙂

Kisses for my little man!

DUCKFACE 🙂

And then on Sunday my daughter came home from her dad’s and she got to open all of the gifts that Santa Sappingfield and family got for her for Christmas. This next picture is my absolute favorite cause she looks so adorable and it is the cutest gift ever! She has a pillow pet lady bug that goes with us but this is just TOO adorable.

My little ladybug

And I also made this one resolution, to go back to church EVERY Sunday. We have been very distracted with our move, and also my husband has been working weekends EVERY weekend so we haven’t even had the opportunity to go, but this past Sunday we went and seriously I got this amazing shot of the skyline. And it made me believe even more, that only our Heavenly Father can create such beauty.

Beauty on HE can create

 

But I hope that everyone else had an amazing new year like I did. I am so thankful,  and grateful. 🙂

 

Do the holidays bring cheer?

I will be the first one to say that I LOVE everything about the holidays. I love everything that has to do with the food, the gifts, the family, and the real reason behind Christmas…CHRIST himself.

But then I start to realize that the holidays bring me stress every single year. Financial, emotional, or mental stress because of every single thing that goes on. Financially it’s hard to give a gift to everyone that you want to because you want to know where the money is coming from. Even secret santas this year have been a hassle to buy for. From what to buy the family member that you don’t know much about, or that you think you may know but then you don’t know. Or you have a special person you have to buy for and you think “Oh, i’ll have the money” and then you come up short. The holidays are so financially stressful, from gifts, to travel, to doing what you can for your kids to make them happy.

It’s emotionally stressful on me because I’m gonna miss yet another Christmas with Easy Love and that really hurts me. I am hoping that one day we will be able to spend the holidays with him, K&T.

And mentally stressful due to all the things going on around that add up.

We are traveling to see my parents this weekend and I am very excited to see them, and to see our babies since they’ve been with my parents for a week. I also cannot wait to see my grandmother. I love and miss her oh so much and I’m scared that this may be the last time that I get to see her before…yea I’m not going to say it but yea.

I hope that everybody has a Happy Holiday and remembers it’s not about the price of the gift, the length of the travel, or the end of the day, it’s about the family and friends you get to spend it with. And most of all, Christ him self.

Have to Say IT

I’m officially blogging because I can’t do this anymore. I can’t sit and let my kids be treated like they aren’t worthy enough or as if this or that.

Several times we have asked for our son to be watched by family members and it was NEVER overnight and if it was overnight it was for something that was necessary or because Trent and I hadn’t had time to ourselves in a long time. But because of recent and even for the past 6 months we haven’t asked anything of any family members…wanna know why? Because it’s USELESS.

BUT we (well I will say I so that if someone has something to say they can come specifically to me) I am SICK OF THE FAVORITISM. WE NEVER ASK for Ethyn to be taken overnight because we always get a “no” or “well he doesn’t seem to like it”….well NO SHIT because NOBODY takes him, NOBODY spends time with him unless its his birthday or we show up for a f***ing holiday and I AM SICK of it. But if other family members need someone to watch their kid(s) for the night it gets done, no questions asked. But heaven fucking forbid if we ask for Ethyn to stay overnight anywhere.

Wanna know the God’s honest truth? Trent and I haven’t had a FULL NIGHT or WEEKEND to OURSELVES JUST THE TWO OF US without having to WAKE UP AT 6 AM to get our kids since…well never….OKAY OKAY let me rephrase that….THE ONLY TIME we do is when MY PARENTS are in town, because they take BOTH KIDS overnight.

And my parents don’t have to do that they actually CHOOSE TO DO IT because they live so far away and they don’t get the chance to see the kids very often.

I guess what I’m trying to say is I’m sick and tired of hearing about how other grandchildren, nieces and nephews are treated differently or have no problems with but yet our kids are the “problem”. OH FUCKING PLEASE.

Seriously, done with the double standard.

This is EXACTLY why I CANNOT WAIT for Christmas in Goshen, because I will get to see my family and get away for awhile….sometimes I just need a break from Terre Haute.

/rant

:Baby Fever….and pulling heart strings:

All I see around me lately are my good friends and family having babies and I am seriously wanting another baby.

A little back story, after having Easy I made the rash, uneducated decision to have my tubes tied, because I thought that if I didn’t then that would be selfish and not fair to have two children before having Easy, placing Easy for adoption then going and having more kids, but now that I think about it….I really wish I wouldn’t have made that decision.

I have been regretting it for about a year now. I sit in bed at night and find myself crying and overwhelmed with anxiety about this. Trent and I have talked about it and he always tells me we are going to have another baby, we just have to find a way to pay to get the reversal done. I also have been suffering from PTLS (Post Tubal Ligation Syndrome) which keeps me up all night, has made my weight gain inevitable, has made me depressed/hyper and all these things meshed into one. I feel like I wasn’t educated enough by my doctor on what all of this meant. And now I am in full on WANT a baby mode.

Now, I don’t want a baby just to have one, nor do I think it will fix these problems, I want a baby because I have so much love to give, and I know that we are ready at this time to have another baby. I know that it will be rough to get everything around but I still have these emotions, I still have that little voice inside my head saying “baby baby baby”. And I see so many people having babies and really it makes me just want ONE more. I would love for Trent and I to have a baby, that when we are in the hospital that the baby tag says “Baby Sappingfield”, because I know that it will light up his heart. I guess I’m just really sad.

I know that the time will come but I’m definitely doing my research.

I’m just so emotional because I really miss Easy, and I just want to hold him…my babies are growing up so much right now and they don’t need me as much as they used to. And Kaelyn is going to be 5 in 2 weeks so that really is freaking me out.

BABY FEVER 😦

Not safe…

I have been thinking a lot lately about where I was 2 years ago in our choice to place Easy for adoption, and where we are now, and I am proud to say that our life is better for it and so is his. But lately I’ve been feeling this huge weight on my chest to “conform” to others beliefs, or to get into long drawn out debates on the subject of whether I should have “parented” or not. I feel very alone sometimes in my choice to be a birth mother and although I feel like I could do more or be more or be better, I just feel like it is expected of me to conform to how others think that adoption is, or if you have a chance to parent you should parent…and for me it really isn’t that simple.

I guess that sometimes I feel like maybe I should have parented Easy, and then I think NO you are NOT allowed to think that way. There are some people that believe that we shouldn’t get the chance to choose an adoptive couple for our children. Because they believe that we should have no pressure etc and so forth.

For me IMHO I believe differently. I think you will make the process 100000 time worse if you take your child home and then meet with a couple and only have a few days to choose whether or not you want to parent. There is pressure on both sides, there is pressure everywhere. And some places I believe that dragging an adoptive couple along for months and months THEN deciding to rip their hearts our by not placing your child with them is just cruel. I believe that if you are open and honest, and EDUCATED on what your rights, perks, etc are then there should be no disappointment on either end. I believe we all have some sort of regret but why put yourself through all of that on top of going through an adoption?

As I say this, I look back and know that I could never change my mind to place Easy. Because K&T are part of my family, and I love them too much. And I also love Easy too much to be taking him away from the only real family he’s ever known.

I just sometimes feel unsafe in certain scenarios, even if I am as open as I am about how my adoption is I just feel like lately I’ve been stabbed in the chest.

Coincidence or a look into my future?

So, lately I have been seeing signs everywhere that point to a no good situation for my future. Most of which I absolutely cannot take emotionally, or mentally. Because I am involved in a birth mother support group on Facebook, I have also been able to watch the show Teen Mom, in which Catelynn obviously is my absolute favorite. But the subject that keeps coming up in both scenarios is the fact that in these open adoptions the adoptive parents close the adoption after the first year or so, or the time after was agreed upon or regulated for an open adoption to stay fully open.

I am not quite sure if this is just a coincidence or if this is a sign of things to come. As much as I love K&T and I know and trust them wholeheartedly that they would never close the adoption, or close me out of it I am seriously in freak out mode. I’ve never been so scared. Now, I know that right now I’m most likely just being a worry wart but seriously I don’t know what is going on. I have had nightmares about this happening. Is this a point in adoption that we all fear?

 

Awkward & Random Moments for $1000 Alex

So, around 3:30 PM today I received the most RANDOM and AWKWARD phone call from my dad….my REAL dad. I haven’t spoken to him since Ethyn’s 3rd birthday, where he stayed literally for the birthday and left the next day. When he called I of course didn’t answer the call, because, well for one, the kids are taking a nap, and even with all this stuff on the walls this house is an echoing nightmare, and two did I mention that it was RANDOM?!?!

So, he leaves a voice mail, so I of course open it and listen to it because I really want to know what he has to say after 7 months of NOTHING from him. He tells me that he would like to talk to me, but if I don’t want to talk to him then he understands, and that he loves me. And he says this all with the most sincere sound in his voice. I disregard it as I will definitely have to think about this, immediately text my mom to figure out what I’m supposed to do, she of course tells me that I need to be nice. My father is not the easiest person to get along with, because he is both STUBBORN and since he is from a military background and has gone half crazy over the last 10 years it’s hard for you to fully get your point across the table without having it dumped over by lack of concern on his part.

But he texted me telling me that he knows that we have had our differences and that he hopes we will be able to find a way to move past them and that he does love me and that I’m his daughter. Then he went right to the Trent thing, about not liking him and not thinking he ever will etc and so forth, and I immediately had to rebut the statement of “Well, you may not like Trent, but you have to ACCEPT that he is my husband. Because I don’t like Deb, never have never will, but I sure as hell have to accept that you’re married to her”. And there were more parts of the text message that I just don’t want to be spreading all over the internet, but needless to say I feel like I’m in such an awkward position.

I have loyalties to my family. But the biggest loyalty I have is to my  husband. And I don’t want him to feel like I’ve gone behind his back and hurt him by starting a new relationship with my dad. (There are plenty of reasons why I would completely understand if that pissed Trent off, and I understand where he is coming from). But there are times I miss my dad. I mean he’s my freaking DAD. I would spend summers with my dad thinking to myself how happy I was that I actually had a Dad that loved me and cared for me. And there was a time that my dad fell off the wagon, got completely wasted after 18 months sober, and told me that I was the worst mother and that I never should have been allowed to have kids. So, in all actuality it’s a double edged sword. Not to  mention the fact that in 2009 he brought my stuff back down from Wisconsin, and he went to kick in the door and it popped Ethyn in the mouth (which still to this day is something that Trent will probably never forgive him for, which is understandable).

I just don’t really know what to do with this…I guess the ball is in my court now and I have to be the one to either serve, or let. Either way it’s going to be a hard, uphill battle. I just know that there are also other people involved in this situation. The kids LOVE him, and also I really miss my sister. She is literally my world because I don’t have any other blood relatives that I can reach out to, or that knows the love of my father, but her. And we are exactly alike in the way that we love our dad. And she’s only 15, and I want to be able to help guide her and teach her and lead her on the path of GET THE HELL OUT OF RICE LAKE, WI, go to school, get an education and RUN theory.

Again, do I serve, or do I let?

I’ll take Awkard & Random Moments for $1000 Alex.

 

SayingImages.com-Amazing Images With Inspired Sayings

SayingImages.com-Amazing Images With Inspired Sayings (clipped to polyvore.com)

Puppy love….

Today was such a hard day for our family. Today we had to give our beautiful mutt mix Rusty Puppy to a new family. We did this with a very heavy heart and not lightly. We were told originally when we moved into our new house that it would be okay for us to have him, and then after we signed the lease and payed our first months rent that the owner was “not aware that the lady that leased us the house gave us permission to have the dog”. So we were no longer allowed to have him. So, we have been frantically searching for a good home for him and make sure that people would seriously take care of him, love him, let him play, spoil him, etc all the things we would do if he was in our home. And with several phone calls, and one crazy 14 year old girl later, we found a perfect home for him.

The people that are taking him already have 2 dogs that can he can run around with and play with and just be happy with. We miss him so very much, and when we had to say our goodbyes after he left I broke down as if I had lost a child.

Trent and I had always said that if it came down to it that our kids would come first, and that our life and our well being would come before a 4 legged dog. But really, Rusty was family. And we will always love him, but we really did have to do what was best for us. I hated letting him go, knowing that he wouldn’t be greeting Trent when he got home from work, and that he wouldn’t be laying by my feet in the bed keeping them warm, or cuddling up next to me when Trent went to work. I still tear up a little when I think about it but it just really stinks that this is all happening. Just saddens us to know that he is gone but it makes us happy knowing that he will be with a great family.

This is the picture that I took of him while he was sitting so pretty…..he is going to be very missed. LOVE YOU RUSTY PUPPY!

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