So, lately I’ve been feeling lost….no idea why I just all of the sudden over the past few days I have been feeling completely OVER whelmed with anxiety, stress, and just this feeling of loss…and not really loss as in a mourning loss but loss of myself. I sometimes have these moments and they can’t really be explained in a few words, and I’ll end up probably rambling on this blog…
I really need to start kicking stuff well literally my ass in to gear. It’s starting to affect not only me but the rest of my family and mostly my husband. Now, don’t get me wrong I LOVE my family and my husband more than life itself and I couldn’t imagine a life without any of them in it…but lately I feel like maybe their lives would be better if I wasn’t in it….yes that is complete CRAZY talk, but looking at it I seem to realize and start thinking about how different their lives would be if I just disappeared. Kind of like those movies where they have to see how life is if someone wasn’t in it…that kind of scares me. But I started thinking…”my husband would have someone that wanted to be more intimate, or my kids would have a mom that was able to give and do for them things that I can’t”….I seriously know how crazy this all sounds, but literally I feel like I am going insane. Again, I love my family with every part of my being and couldn’t imagine NOT being in their lives every single day. But sometimes I wonder what more can be piled on my shoulders financially, emotionally, and mentally that I can handle that won’t throw me right off the edge. I know that if I just kicked my own ass that things would get done, but sometimes it’s hard just to lift my leg up to even kick myself. ‘
I have realize that I’m not the most organized person, and I’m still working on that. I admit that I’m not the most active person and I really need to step that up because I feel like that would help in way more ways than one. I realize that I’m not the smartest person, and I really would love to go back to school, because financially that would be a blessing to have a degree and be able to work in something that truly means the world to me…and all I can say to this right now is “ONE DAY” and I seriously hate that statement so much it makes me want to barf.
I also have this huge heavy heart about not seeing Ezra this year. I mean I know that plans can change and everything can change in the blink of an eye, but I have this horrible nauseating feeling that it’s just not going to happen. And that breaks my heart every single day. It makes me feel like maybe we aren’t worth seeing and maybe we aren’t the best people. Which I know, again, all crazy talk, but seriously it’s how I feel. I mean I will be honest, I spent every last dime we had (which caused not only problems in my marriage, but financial issues as well) and I don’t understand why I did all of that yet that can’t be done for me. Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t want his adoptive parents spending money they don’t have, I mean they did JUST add another beautiful little girl to their family, and it’s VERY selfish of me to ask them to spend that kind of money…I just wish that one of them could bring Ezra here…..I just miss his face OH so much. I miss every little thing about him. I know that we can Skype and we can FaceTime (which we have done and it was amazing) I just wish that there was more. I guess those are the luxuries you give away when placing a child for adoption. And I believe that maybe that is the reason I’m in this huge funk. Doesn’t help that birth mother’s day and Mother’s day are coming up oh so fast, and then his birthday just a month later. I feel like time is passing me by and I’m not even watching it or seeing it because it’s going so fast. I just wish time would slow down.
And lately music, movies and books have been my only way to relate to anything…and lately I have been listening to the new Payphone song by Maroon 5 and it seriously has the best line that relates to me perfectly…”I am at a payhone, trying to call home, all of my change I spent on you…Where has the time gone, baby it’s all wrong, where are the plans we made for two, if happy ever after did exist, I would still be holding you like this, all those fairytales are full shit, one more fucking love song I’ll be sick”….seriously makes me melt because it’s so true.
I just wish that life was like the movies, or books, or tv shows that we all love so much. That there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, and by the end of the movie or season there is either the light or another tragedy that eventually through another movie or season life would figure itself out.