I don’t know what has been going on but sometimes I feel like the things that I do aren’t ever good enough, or if I miss something that I’m supposed to know and understand that I am the most horrible person on the planet. Maybe it’s because I feel like I’m not living up to the “expectations” that are given to me. I’m not thin enough, I’m not rich enough, I’m not living in the right house, I’m not a good enough mother, I’m not super mom…things of that nature, and after awhile it seems to take a toll on you.
Lately it’s just been the little things that I keep forgetting to do, and I get told it’s because I’m “too involved in my tv or computer”…which this day and age I’m sure there are plenty of other people that are WAY more involved than I am, but for arguments sake I will just take responsibility for my computer/tv time. Now, in now way does that reflect on my children because they only watch educational tv, and only have education video games, and they get to play and have a good time, so I don’t want anyone thinking that they aren’t well loved, played with, or taken care of.
For example: the other night the husband asked me to put water in the fridge for him….well I was too busy trying to make sure his clothes were dry, and all the windows were shut since we had this huge wind thing going on outside, that literally shook the whole house, that I forgot to put water in the fridge for him to take to work…I got ripped for that one. And yesterday the kids had a PB sandwich for lunch and I didn’t even think to take the bread out of the freezer so that it would be thawed before the morning so he could make a sandwich to take to work….I got ripped for that one too. It seems like there are things that I am just doing wrong all the time.
And he wants to blame it on the tv or television shows….fine blame it on that but really my head has been so full of other things that I don’t even remember half the time what I’m supposed to do or if I’ve taken a crap today that it just seems to slip my mind. I feel like even the little things are slipping through my hands and I can’t take that anymore….it’s starting to wear on my mind, body and soul.
I guess the biggest thing that is going through my head is that Mother’s/BirthMother’s day is coming up and so is Ezra’s 2nd birthday…I’m freaking out because I am really really scared that I won’t get to see him this year..in person. And even at night when I’m asleep I’ll have these nightmares about not getting that yearly visit, and that I’ve said or done something that will royally make them mad and they will stop communication all together, and at this moment in time that worries me. I don’t really think it will happen but I’m a horrible worry wart and I worry about the stupidest things. I also get really upset because I feel like this journey is something that I pretty much do on my own.
As much of an amazing person that my husband is when it came to the adoption and being there for me, I feel like he is pretty much shut off from the entire thing and that really really gets to me. It makes me feel like I’m on this journey by myself when in all actuality he should be on this journey with me. I just have to put all of this into my prayer and hope that it all works out for the best. Put it in His hands and let it be His will…an sometimes that is one of the hardest things that I can do. 😦