Ok, I’ll admit that sometimes life gets stressful and sometimes life gets in the way of things that really matter, like spending time with your children, or spending that much needed time with your husband/wife/spouse etc. And I am very guilty of not doing some of those things when I really should.
I’ve been reflecting a lot lately on how my life should be, and where it should be going and right now I just feel like at a loss. I spend a lot of my time on this god forsaken laptop watching tv shows (because well we don’t have cable and I really had/have a lot of catching up to do and it makes me happy) instead of “socializing” (as my husband would call it) with him. But I am not the only guilty one in this. Every time that I want to talk to him about finances, or important things he usually just shrugs it off and refuses to talk to me about it, and I feel like that is a HUGE damper in our communication skills as a husband and wife.
I know that I need to spend more time with him, but sometimes, I hate saying this, but sometimes I feel like we have NOTHING in common anymore. Granted, my husband and I have been together 5 years (January 28th will make it 5 years) and I don’t know if there is something that we lost down the road that we forgot about or that we just can’t find, but sometimes it feels like we are just passing through the days apart instead of completely together.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I love my husband with every part of my being and if anything were to happen to him, or myself, or our relationship in general I would be devastated. But I just want to know that I’m not losing my best friend, that I’m not losing the things that matter the most, to both of us…the communication and the bond of our marriage.
Life seems to be just passing us by…I mean we live together, we eat together, we sleep together, and we sleep in the same bed together, but there will be certain days where I feel like I’m living with a complete stranger or that I’m living with someone that I don’t even know what their interests or personality is anymore. Ok, correction, I know what my husbands personality is…he’s a sarcastic, hard headed, stubborn asshole and that’s who he is and those things are what I love and what I hate about him at times. I just can’t seem to grasp where things seemed to get so crazy and where life passed us up. Sometimes it’s just the same routine…I’m home with kids all day everyday, I make dinner, I cook I clean, I do laundry and I sit on the computer and I watch television shows and play on Facebook because that is what makes me happy…but sometimes I wish that something else made me happy, that having an adult conversation with my husband would make me happy. But sometimes I feel it’s always best to just keep my mouth shut.
I don’t know if it’s his pride, or if it’s man nature to just keep things bottled up but sometimes I just don’t know if I can take that. I want to know that our finances are going to get better, I want to know that I’m not just drowning in this pool by myself. We have made a plan for when tax time comes around and what we are going to do with those finances, but I’m talking once February is gone where do we leave off?
We also moved in to our current house WAYYY too soon, and it wasn’t because we wanted to but we NEEDED to. There was no getting past it, and I’m grateful that this lease ends in May or whatever so that we aren’t stuck here until September, but even then if we want to move we are going to have to be able to put that deposit and first month’s rent down without having to pay it week to week. And I won’t lie, we seriously live week to week and that is how life has been for two years. Trent and I usually play the “this is where we could have been game” and sometimes it’s sickening. He had a VERY good paying job and so did I, I even looked over bank statements and said to him “Wow, I made more money then you did here and here” and still we squandered it away like we were teenagers and didn’t have any bills or a life to prepare for. But I’m in this mode where I want to make sure that things get paid, they get paid on time etc and so forth and it just seems that I am the only one that thinks about those things. He tells me that those things are on his mind and not to think that they aren’t but I mean if he doesn’t talk to me if he doesn’t tell me then how am I supposed to know? I feel like our communication skills went out the window on while life passed us by and say “to hell with you”.
And it also doesn’t help that my daughter will be attending Kindergarten this Fall, and I feel like we are NO WHERE near prepared for this major step in our child’s life. Because come Summer we are going to have to register her for school, and let me get started on the fact that all day Kindergarten costs like $2000, and I want to make sure that she is in all day Kindergarten so that I know that she isn’t falling behind. Because I want her to be successful from the gate. But with registering for school comes book rental, clothes, backpack, school supplies and I’m seriously kind of freaking out about it.
Our son’s birthday is also coming up, he’s going to be 4 and since our families can’t be in the same room with each other without everyone having some snide comment to make or a comment that doesn’t mesh well with others, he isn’t even going to have a really big party and that seems so unfair to me. My daughter has had 5 amazing birthday parties, and I feel like yet again, our son is being swept under a rug because of our families. So, instead of doing something with everyone we are having to have separate parties, and that just doesn’t seem fair to me.
And, it’s January and I know that this should be the last thing from my mind, but I’m also worried about Christmas, yes I said it CHRISTMAS. It’s bad enough that I can’t even remember the last time we were able to buy for our children and for EACH OTHER. It’s been a hell of a long time. So, now it’s trying to build a budget for not only life, but everything that life throws at us, birthdays, holidays, anniversaries etc. I have continually been asking myself, “When does this roller coaster called life end?”
But back to my main point about my husband and I, I’m just kind of stuck…I feel like we are lost in our marriage and I want to find our way back again. I mean going back to church and getting closer to God is a huge step, but it has to be both sides trying not just one for it to all work. 😦 I have no idea what to say anymore or to do anymore it’s like I’m a stick in the mud, a very big stick, in mud, mixed with cement. Stuck for an unknown amount of time….