I have been thinking a lot lately about where I was 2 years ago in our choice to place Easy for adoption, and where we are now, and I am proud to say that our life is better for it and so is his. But lately I’ve been feeling this huge weight on my chest to “conform” to others beliefs, or to get into long drawn out debates on the subject of whether I should have “parented” or not. I feel very alone sometimes in my choice to be a birth mother and although I feel like I could do more or be more or be better, I just feel like it is expected of me to conform to how others think that adoption is, or if you have a chance to parent you should parent…and for me it really isn’t that simple.

I guess that sometimes I feel like maybe I should have parented Easy, and then I think NO you are NOT allowed to think that way. There are some people that believe that we shouldn’t get the chance to choose an adoptive couple for our children. Because they believe that we should have no pressure etc and so forth.

For me IMHO I believe differently. I think you will make the process 100000 time worse if you take your child home and then meet with a couple and only have a few days to choose whether or not you want to parent. There is pressure on both sides, there is pressure everywhere. And some places I believe that dragging an adoptive couple along for months and months THEN deciding to rip their hearts our by not placing your child with them is just cruel. I believe that if you are open and honest, and EDUCATED on what your rights, perks, etc are then there should be no disappointment on either end. I believe we all have some sort of regret but why put yourself through all of that on top of going through an adoption?

As I say this, I look back and know that I could never change my mind to place Easy. Because K&T are part of my family, and I love them too much. And I also love Easy too much to be taking him away from the only real family he’s ever known.

I just sometimes feel unsafe in certain scenarios, even if I am as open as I am about how my adoption is I just feel like lately I’ve been stabbed in the chest.