So, tonight’s sermon at church was a really hard one for me. I guess because it brought back all these feelings that I have felt for the past 19 years of my life. And everything that the pastor was saying seriously I was like “yep, yep, yep that one too” I felt like he was talking about my life and things that I had gone through. It took all that I had in me to not walk right out the door and just leave…but then again that would have been me abandoning God when all he was trying to do was speak to me. So, I managed to suck it up and stay because that is what He wanted me to do. I knew there was a reason that I was there and a reason I was feeling the way that I was.
I normally don’t talk about things like this to just anyone..especially putting it on the WWW. I guess it’s part of my inner fight.
When I was 5 years old (at least I think that was my age I was really young I know that) my dad left. To my recollection he didn’t say goodbye. He just left. I don’t remember him saying goodbye…I don’t remember him even calling for awhile. He moved to Wisconsin to be with my (now) step-mom. I felt alone, I felt like I didn’t exist and that there was no one there for me. I was lucky enough to have an amazing mother who took care of me and loved me enough for the both of them. I remember going to my dad’s (I was really young) and being told that he was marrying this woman. I, being so young didn’t think much of it because well, I was young, and I thought weddings were just parties. I obviously didn’t understand the real meaning behind it until later on in life.
I felt completely abandoned at that point by him…I felt like he was leaving me to start a new family and that he would forget about me. And for the longest time I resented him for it. He ended up marrying her and pretty much taking her children is as his own. So many things that made me angry about this woman (which sometimes still do to this day) but most of all it was the fact that he was able to financially take care of them and all of that, and I felt like he wasn’t helping us at all…and I was his first born. He then had a child with her which is my awesome sister, to whom I love and cherish more than anything in this world. But I still up until this day held so much anger towards him. I have been fighting these demons for such a long time. There are so many things that I have kept bottled up and just haven’t spoken about because it was my private battle.
I was always angry at my step mom for being that MAIN girl in his life, and I always felt like I didn’t matter or that I wasn’t good enough for him anymore and that he had replaced me with her and that he had a whole new family and that I was just this “other woman’s child”. To be quite honest I felt completely alone. So, of course like any other teenage adolescent I rebelled and lashed out. I found reasons to make that woman despise me…and looks like I did a good job considering that I don’t talk to her, and whenever I have gone up to WI I get the “are you going to be nice this time” sort of look.
But what I took from tonight’s sermon is that there are times in our lives that we have to remember that the only person that will always be in our lives is the Lord and that He is really the only person that we will ever be able to depend on. I finally came to terms tonight with my demons with abandonment. And I can finally say with my entire heart and with the grace of God that I can forgive my father and also tell him I love him and actually mean it.