My post tonight is inspired by a couple of things. I was reading my sister’s post on how we should always live for today because it may be our last. And it got me to thinking about how I should put that to be more of my life than other things that won’t last as long or won’t mean as much in the next day or two.
I have been thinking a lot about the people out there that I haven’t spent as much time with as I should or given my time to that I really needed to. My sister talked about her family and things going on there and it really brought tears to my eyes because it brought up things in my past that I haven’t really wanted to face and thoughts that I’ve had in the pit of my stomach…so bear with me this is going to take some time to write because I am trying not to break down in tears. And also be prepared this post could get long, I have a lot of feelings that I need to get out.
When I was a senior in high school in February I received some news at work from my friend who told me that my friend Justin had been hurt in a car accident. The night that he was hurt it was very foggy, one of the worst fogs that we had ever had. School was even closed because of it. Well, that night he was coming home from a date and he stopped at a stop sign and as he was pulling forward to go home another car was unable to see the stop sign and t-boned him. He was in a coma and the pressure on his brain was too much for him, and he passed away. On February 6, 2005 is when he went Home to be with God. I had went to elementary, middle, and high school with Justin. I even lived one block away from him and rode the bus plenty of times with him, as well as we went to the same babysitter when we were in elementary school. The day that his funeral came I went to school, but my mother made sure that she called and let them know that I wouldn’t be at my afternoon classes because of his funeral. It was the one time where I sat in a room of people and we all came together. The one song that I remember requesting to be played was Puff Daddy ft. Faith Evans “Missing You”. And it is something that I will never forget. I felt like God was playing a disgusting joke on us, that he was taking this innocent man from our lives, stripping his family of their only son. I felt completely lost. And this wouldn’t be the first time.
3 years almost 4 years ago my Great Grandma Kyle passed away in July. I was pregnant with Ethyn at the time and I thought that my whole world was falling down around me. I made the trip up for her funeral and I never felt more of an emptiness the entire time I was there. I felt like there was so much that needed to be said that I didn’t get to say, and more time spent with her that I didn’t put forth that I should have. I remember before she passed away I spent the night in the hospital with her when she was in ICU holding her hand and praying that she would make it through. I prayed so hard I thought that because I was praying so hard that He wouldn’t hear me. I hoped for better health and that he would place his grace upon her heart and her body. And about 2 years later on that July day she passed away…I didn’t get to say goodbye, I love you, or even that I would always love her. I felt betrayed by God, I felt like he didn’t want to hear me, and that he didn’t care about me or how I was feeling. Now that I look back on it I realize that he didn’t betray me at all, that he did hear me , and he does care about me. He gave me 2 more years with my grandmother that I should have taken full advantage of and I didn’t, and I that was my fault. He wasn’t punishing me but was trying to make me realize that we need to cherish the people around us more. So, to remember her I named my son after her. Ethyn Kyle James Sappingfield.
Fast forward to May 31, 2010 I was 9 months pregnant with my birth son Ezra and I was spending the holiday with my in-laws. My Great Grandma Colograssi had been sick for quite some time and not really doing all that well since she was put into a nursing home and it was hard for me to really understand because her and I weren’t exactly that close but she was my family she was a part of me. On that spring day I received a phone call that would wreck me emotionally again. I found out that she had passed away. And again, there was no I love you, no goodbye. I felt again like I was being betrayed, that I had been stepped on by God. I didn’t understand why all of these hits were coming at me all at once. I didn’t understand what these tests were, was God mocking me? Was he trying to show me that loss is something that you need to take seriously? And spend more time with the ones you love. It was obvious that I needed to do something about this. So I started small.
June 3, 2010 a blessing was sent my way….the blessing of Ezra Hunter Angle. He was a blessing in more ways than one. He was life, heaven, an angel sent from God. Given to me, to give to another. To give to 2 amazing people that forever will be grateful, and love him, and hold him and wipe away his tears, and never forget to hug him at night. On June 7, 2010 I experienced a type of loss that I will never be able to explain in words. the loss of a child, not by death, but by hope and a selfless type of love that only a few are able to ever truly experience. For the longest time I was mad, angry, sad upset and sometimes even a spark of happiness would come into my life. It wasn’t until about a month ago that I was truly at piece with my decision. I can’t say that I don’t still mourn the loss of a child, that I don’t think about it, but there are times in our lives that we have to move on, move forward, and stop wasting our time in the past.
So, what my post pretty much comes down to is don’t take the days you have with the ones you love for granted. You cannot get those days back, you cannot wish for more time, more laughs, more tears or more of those once in a lifetime *belly laughs*. I couldn’t imagine losing anyone in my life such as my mother, my brothers and sister in laws, my friends and most of all my children and of course my husband. If I lost my children I couldn’t keep living I would be lost without them.
If I lost my husband I would be devastated. There are times when you go through your day and you may have little arguments or say words that you don’t mean….but take a second and think before you speak. Always say that you love them because it could be your last. I tell my husband and my children and those that mean the world to me that I love them every chance that I get. Always say I love you before I leave and kiss the ones that matter the most.
And remember, God works in mysterious ways, He has a plan, and no matter what that plan is you have to take from it what may come. He is not betraying you nor is he trying to prove anything to you. He is simply trying to guide you. You are the only ones that make the choice to be guided or not.
So my picture after all of that is the fortune cookie that I got with my dinner tonight….and it set me back. And I will be doing this no matter what from now on, so if you don’t like hugs, just remember it could be the last one you ever get.
“Give a hug to someone who needs one more than you.”
A little quote to leave you with:
“If I don’t say this now I will surely break, as I’m leaving the world I wanna take, forget the urgency but hurry up and wait my heart is starting to separate. I’ll look after you. There now steady love so few come and don’t go where you want to be the one I’ll always know, when I’m losing my control the city spins around you’re the only one who knows to slow it down.” The Fray-I’ll look after you
-My inner fight-