So, we are going to church tonight for the first time in well over a year and I’m very very anxious and nervous all at the same time. I don’t really know what is making me feel this way but have you ever walked into a room full of strangers and wondered what they thought about you? Or been in the situation where you were the “new” person? I guess that is the way that i am feeling. I am scared that I’m going to walk in and all eyes will be on us and it will be the “who are they?” “will they stay”…things like that. It just makes me scared. When I know that with God I have nothing to be scared about and we are all there for the same reasons…to walk with Him.
This has always been a huge anxiety for me and just something that I’ve had to deal with my whole life. I remember when I was a child and lived in our old house on Division Street I went to church up until I was in 5th grade. Then we moved and I was really sad because I was just about to go into the “middle school” area with the older kids but because we moved the bus no longer came to pick us up in that area, so I pretty much didn’t go to church for a long time. I remember going to this church by my mom’s house with friends and I went maybe once or twice and it wasn’t really the same. Then when I was in high school I think I only went because there were people that I went to school with and it seemed like it was what the “cool” kids were doing.
Now that I’m older, and have pretty much what I want in life I have felt like there was only that one thing missing. That one thing being my faith. I guess along the way I really lost sight of what was important, and I have had this huge hole in my heart. And I know that it is from not having the Lord as part of my everyday routine and just a part of my life in general.
So hopefully after tonight’s service I will feel more at ease, at peace and well on my way to making God a part of my life in a way that I could never imagine.
I know that a lot of people are probably wondering “Where did this girl come from?” because I used to be so angry, bitter, and upset with my life but when I say that I’m making a change I’m being serious, I’m not playing around with anyone or just doing this for anyone’s well being but my own. I want my life, my marriage, and my kids’ life to be filled with the His love. I want myself, my kids, and my husband to be re-born. Even though Trent was baptized at a younger age I know that now that he is older and a little more wiser he will be baptized for himself and for his future. I have never been baptized and it’s something that I have always wanted, but I wanted it to be at a place where I felt comfortable and knew going into would be my life choice.
This is just a little blurb of what I am feeling today about this whole situation. I am also very EXCITED as well to be able to share it with family.
These verses seemed to speak to me this afternoon:
Thou wilt shew me the path of life: in thy presence is fulness of joy; at thy right hand there are pleasures for evermore. (KJV)
I will praise thee, O Lord my God, with all my heart: and I will glorify thy name for evermore. (KJV)
-My inner fight-