:Life as we Know it:

Wow, it has been so long since I have posted! Can’t believe my last post was about us packing and moving, well it is now almost October and so much has happened. My parents are getting a divorce, there is so much drama going on with them that I don’t even want to talk about it because I have no idea where to start, my household has been full of this gross chest cold/cough thing. Besides all of this dram crap things are going in the right direction. 

Trent and I have been talking lately about how as much as our household functions on just his income, it doesn’t function as well as it could. Life is costing more and more everyday and finally we both realized that I can no longer be a stay at home mom. I have been a SAHM for so long, but now it is time for me to get back to work. As much as I love being at home to be able to take my kids to school and drop them off and see them everyday but I really need to bring some income into the household. It will be nice to actually have a savings and an “In Case of Emergency Rainy Day fund” going on. So, I went in to where Trent works and I applied for a job, and received a call back the next day and I start October 8th. Orientation is next Friday so I’ll have more details about that next week. I am not excited to be working in a factory, BUT I am very grateful and excited to work and have a job because there are so many people that do not, and I am happy to be able to have that money coming in to our household. 

There hasn’t been very much that has been going on, just drama from my parents and just lots of other stuff going on. Hope everyone is having a great week!

:it’s all relative:

So the last time I posted it was about how we were busy packing and the kids were busy in their summer school program. Well things have moved along quite nicely and there is so much to update on!

We are all moved in, thanks to some very amazing friends, two of which took time out of their busy schedules to drive 2 hours out of their way to help us move! Much more than I can say about other people that are closer to us! Big shout out and thanks to Mama B, Steve, Jes, and Greg for helping us–without their help we definitely wouldn’t have been able to get everything moved in in the time that we did! There are still some boxes that need unpacked that hold just random things but pretty much the house is all set up the way it should be! Cant wait until we can make it more homey but right now–it is the way it will be!

Kaelyn started school this past week! My baby girl is now a full on Kindergarten student! She loves her school and her teacher! I am really happy that my parents could make the trip down to see her on her first day :).

Also, this week Ethyn started Pre-K! So my day are busy making 3 trips a day to and from that school but it is completely worth it!

We have been a busy busy family this past few weeks but we are all getting back in to our groove :)

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:Moving Things Along..:

Okay, so the past two days have been pretty busy with the kids doing their jump start Pre-K and Kindergarten programs and myself having appointments and setting up times to see houses it’s been hectic. 

Yesterday the kids started their first day of (Summer) school, and it was so awesome to be able to see them dressed up for their first day, as well as be able to see them in the school environment. Ethyn need a little coaxing, but as soon as the teacher told him that I would be back soon he told me “Go home mom!”. It was so cute. Here they are in their first day outfits. 

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And today I made an appointment to see a house, hopefully be able to see it tomorrow or Thursday whichever works best for my schedule. Also, found out today that I have an interview for a job tomorrow at 10 am by phone. It’s for a company that I worked for about 3 years ago that I have been trying for months to get back in to. God has been so good and he is always good, but sometimes his timing just seems to happen all at the right time. I am just hoping that it all works out for the best, we definitely could use the second income especially with out impending move so it would be nice to have some extra income, and also since it’s a job that I already had before I know what I am getting myself in to. Just really hoping this all works out. 

But all in His time, I have decided I am putting it all in to HIS hands. 

:Fun at the Fair:

So, yesterday the hubby and I took the kids to the county fair to enjoy the rides and some of the games. By the way the tickets at the fair are SO FREAKING EXPENSIVE. It’s like highway robbery. But we made the best of it and we all had a blast. 

Two years ago we took the kids to Dirt Fest where they have a carnival and Ethyn went on this helicopter kid ride and he FREAKED out and cried the entire time. That’s when we knew he was afraid of heights (he gets that from me) and we needed to overcome it with time. So, we decided we would make the rides fun with the kids so that they wouldn’t be scared, especially Ethyn. So, we decided to try the Ferris wheel, so when we got on it we told Ethyn how cool it would be and we kept a smile on our faces the entire time. And when the ride started we would ohhh and ahhh so that Ethyn wouldn’t be scared. Him and Kaelyn had a complete blast. They had so much fun pointing out the fire trucks and the other stuff on the ground. We are so proud of Ethyn for being able to get up there and ride the Ferris Wheel, especially since it was really high and I was secretly freaking out on the inside. 

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This was the view from the top of the Ferris Wheel. 

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We also played some of the games, we played the one where you use this gun thing to point at this target and it shoots water. Well, we had the kids hold the buttons down and Trent and I aimed the gun so that it would be fair. Well, Kaelyn beat Ethyn, so she won a fish :). And because we wanted to keep it fair myself and Trent competed and he got a jump start and he beat me so when he won he let Ethyn pick out a stuffed animal and he chose a snake :) 

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We then had the kids go on one last ride since we only had 6 tickets left and we put them on the same kind of ride that Ethyn freaked out about 2 years ago. They had such a fun time, they absolutely loved it! 

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All in all it was a fabulous weekend spent with the family. But tomorrow starts another long week. There is a jump start Pre-K and Kindergarten program going on at Kaelyn’s school so both Ethyn and Kaelyn will be attending. It’s Monday through Thursday from 8 am to 11:45. The kids are going to love it. I am very excited for them, probably more excited then they are :) It will be good for them to get out there and meet more kids. I really hope that Ethyn is good. Plus, it will allow me to get some things done during that time at home and also set up some appointments to see houses while they are at school. Found a couple of houses that are pretty perfect and definitely in our price range so I hope that we can get that set up soon. Just putting it all in His hands. 

:So much to do…:

And not enough time to do it in. We have had a pretty busy 2 weeks. We gave our notice to our current landlord that we will not be renewing our lease for our current house. There are so many reasons but the biggest one being that this house is not worth the price we pay in rent. Also, the fact that the insulation in this house is just plain ridiculous. We had over 110 degree days last week and our a/c would just NOT turn off so our electric bill is just going to be outrageous. And so we are in the house hunt…I’m getting frustrated because we just can’t find anything in our price range or that is big enough for our family of four.

We also purchased our very first “new” car. My dad came down this weekend to help us at least get the down payment and first 2 months of insurance on there. I am seriously so blessed to have a dad that will do that for me when my family needs it. We chose a 2006 Jeep Liberty Renegade, I’m pretty much in love :) its so roomy. Plus I have to make a trip up to Goshen in 2 weeks to amend Kaelyn’s birth certificate as well as file for my child support to be raised. I haven’t filed for more money since I first filed, and Kaelyn is now almost 6. It’s time to get the support raised because she is becoming more and more expensive everyday.

Just praying that we can find a new house before Kaelyn starts school. I have already decided if we end up moving out of her school district by only a couple miles she will still go to Davis Park.

:Lost in moment:

So, lately I’ve been feeling lost….no idea why I just all of the sudden over the past few days I have been feeling completely OVER whelmed with anxiety, stress, and just this feeling of loss…and not really loss as in a mourning loss but loss of myself. I sometimes have these moments and they can’t really be explained in a few words, and I’ll end up probably rambling on this blog…

I really need to start kicking stuff well literally my ass in to gear. It’s starting to affect not only me but the rest of my family and mostly my husband. Now, don’t get me wrong I LOVE my family and my husband more than life itself and I couldn’t imagine a life without any of them in it…but lately I feel like maybe their lives would be better if I wasn’t in it….yes that is complete CRAZY talk, but looking at it I seem to realize and start thinking about how different their lives would be if I just disappeared. Kind of like those movies where they have to see how life is if someone wasn’t in it…that kind of scares me. But I started thinking…”my husband would have someone that wanted to be more intimate, or my kids would have a mom that was able to give and do for them things that I can’t”….I seriously know how crazy this all sounds, but literally I feel like I am going insane. Again, I love my family with every part of my being and couldn’t imagine NOT being in their lives every single day. But sometimes I wonder what more can be piled on my shoulders financially, emotionally, and mentally that I can handle that won’t throw me right off the edge. I know that if I just kicked my own ass that things would get done, but sometimes it’s hard just to lift my leg up to even kick myself. ‘

I have realize that I’m not the most organized person, and I’m still working on that. I admit that I’m not the most active person and I really need to step that up because I feel like that would help in way more ways than one. I realize that I’m not the smartest person, and I really would love to go back to school, because financially that would be a blessing to have a degree and be able to work in something that truly means the world to me…and all I can say to this right now is “ONE DAY” and I seriously hate that statement so much it makes me want to barf. 

I also have this huge heavy heart about not seeing Ezra this year. I mean I know that plans can change and everything can change in the blink of an eye, but I have this horrible nauseating feeling that it’s just not going to happen. And that breaks my heart every single day. It makes me feel like maybe we aren’t worth seeing and maybe we aren’t the best people. Which I know, again, all crazy talk,  but seriously it’s how I feel. I mean I will be honest, I spent every last dime we had (which caused not only problems in my marriage, but financial issues as well) and I don’t understand why I did all of that yet that can’t be done for me. Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t want his adoptive parents spending money they don’t have, I mean they did JUST add another beautiful little girl to their family, and it’s VERY selfish of me to ask them to spend that kind of money…I just wish that one of them could bring Ezra here…..I just miss his face OH so much. I miss every little thing about him. I know that we can Skype and we can FaceTime (which we have done and it was amazing) I just wish that there was more. I guess those are the luxuries you give away when placing a child for adoption. And I believe that maybe that is the reason I’m in this huge funk. Doesn’t help that birth mother’s day and Mother’s day are coming up oh so fast, and then his birthday just a month later. I feel like time is passing me by and I’m not even watching it or seeing it because it’s going so fast. I just wish time would slow down. 

And lately music, movies and books have been my only way to relate to anything…and lately I have been listening to the new Payphone song by Maroon 5 and it seriously has the best line that relates to me perfectly…”I am at a payhone, trying to call home, all of my change I spent on you…Where has the time gone, baby it’s all wrong, where are the plans we made for two, if happy ever after did exist, I would still be holding you like this, all those fairytales are full shit, one more fucking love song I’ll  be sick”….seriously makes me melt because it’s so true. 

I just wish that life was like the movies, or books, or tv shows that we all love so much. That there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, and by the end of the  movie or season there is either the light or another tragedy that eventually through another movie or season life would figure itself out. 

:Give a little:

I don’t know what has been going on but sometimes I feel like the things that I do aren’t ever good enough, or if I miss something that I’m supposed to know and understand that I am the most horrible person on the planet. Maybe it’s because I feel like I’m not living up to the “expectations” that are given to me. I’m not thin enough, I’m not rich enough, I’m not living in the right house, I’m not a good enough mother, I’m not super mom…things of that nature, and after awhile it seems to take a toll on you. 

Lately it’s just been the little things that I keep forgetting to do, and I get told it’s because I’m “too involved in my tv or computer”…which this day and age I’m sure there are plenty of other people that are WAY more involved than I am, but for arguments sake I will just take responsibility for my computer/tv time. Now, in now way does that reflect on my children because they only watch educational tv, and only have education video games, and they get to play and have a good time, so I don’t want anyone thinking that they aren’t well loved, played with, or taken care of. 

For example: the other night the husband asked me to put water in the fridge for him….well I was too busy trying to make sure his clothes were dry, and all the windows were shut since we had this huge wind thing going on outside, that literally shook the whole house, that I forgot to put water in the fridge for him to take to work…I got ripped for that one. And yesterday the kids had a PB sandwich for lunch and I didn’t even think to take the bread out of the freezer so that it would be thawed before the morning so he could make a sandwich to take to work….I got ripped for that one too. It seems like there are things that I am just doing wrong all the time. 

And he wants to blame it on the tv or television shows….fine blame it on that but really my head has been so full of other things that I don’t even remember half the time what I’m supposed to do or if I’ve taken a crap today that it just seems to slip my mind. I feel like even the little things are slipping through my hands and I can’t take that anymore….it’s starting to wear on my mind, body and soul. 

I guess the biggest thing that is going through my head is that Mother’s/BirthMother’s day is coming up and so is Ezra’s 2nd birthday…I’m freaking out because I am really really scared that I won’t get to see him this year..in person. And even at night when I’m asleep I’ll have these nightmares about not getting that yearly visit, and that I’ve said or done something that will royally make them mad and they will stop communication all together, and at this moment in time that worries me. I don’t really think it will happen but I’m a horrible worry wart and I worry about the stupidest things. I also get really upset because I feel like this journey is something that I pretty much do on my own. 

As much of an amazing person that my husband is when it came to the adoption and being there for me, I feel like he is pretty much shut off from the entire thing and that really really gets to me. It makes me feel like I’m on this journey by myself when in all actuality he should be on this journey with me. I just have to put all of this into my prayer and  hope that it all works out for the best. Put it in His hands and let it be His will…an sometimes that is one of the hardest things that I can do. :( 

:Thinking:

So lately I have had so many things running through my mind I don’t even know where to start. Worship at church has been pretty freaking amazing and I enjoy it very much, and working with the kids was awesome too, but due to my husband’s work schedule and gas prices I have to cut back on working at the church because that’s 2 trips in one day to the church that I just can’t see feasible at this point in time. I thought that working with those kiddos was my calling, and what He wanted me to do, but now he’s throwing all of these other obstacles at me. 

Other issues coming along are the fact that I have to call and set up the court date for Kaelyn’s name change and I completely forgot to do that today but will definitely be doing that tomorrow, but I’m just dreading it. 

And also the fact that we did Kaelyn’s Kindergarten round up and she will be going to school 3 weeks this summer to kind of get her a head start on what school is like and how it will be ran. I really hope that she does well with it. We did finally get her to write her name out, and she knows her full name (both with my maiden name and her new name) and now it’s just trying to get her involved in anything and everything. She has taken a liking for Soccer, and thankfully her bio dad is going to go in halfsies with me for equipment and fees for the soccer league, and sign ups for that take place this Summer. Which brings me to my next worry….another vehicle. 

We do pretty well, I’m not saying we do great but we actually have to start saving up for a new vehicle. Well not NEW but new to us. Definitely going to need it once Kaelyn and Ethyn get involved in sports and after school activities, and I also would like to have one so that I’m not waiting on Trent to get home from work to actually do stuff with the kids. It’s just a battle because thinking about the $ makes me cringe. Not like we have a down payment just lying around waiting for us to come pick it up. And I guess that it will either be a mini-van or a Jeep Laredo, which I guess we will have the same car as Trent’s brother if his brother’s plan all works out….not really what I was wanting but oh well. Can’t always get the things you want and beggers can’t be choosers so I will be happy with just having a new vehicle and another form of transportation. 

Aside from all of that things are going well. I actually have been having all of these story lines coming through my head. When I was in middle school and in high school I would write all these short stories or poems and they were usually all about love, but lately because I’ve started watching tv shows I’ve had these thoughts about “what if this happened in the show” or “what if someone new entered that nobody has talked about due to some unfortunate circumstance” and I’m starting to think I need to start writing all of it down, you never know maybe someone awesome like Kurt Sutter would take a look and want to use it in his show, or the creator Kevin Williamson of The Vampire Diaries (two shows that I actually have been thinking a lot about what would happen if someone came in and threw a wrench in the mix would it work or be disastrous?). I have always loved writing and I hope that by taking time out to do that each day that maybe that would help me not have so much of it on my mind at night. 

Well, my blog post is finished and I feel a hell of a lot better. 

<3 MyInnerFight <3

:How life pushes us forward:

Okay, so it’s been a whirlwind lately and I haven’t updated in literally forever. But I am using this time to update this thing on how amazing life has been and how truly BLESSED I am to have the husband, and the family that I have. As for my last post I gave in and I had to start again, I’m not proud of it, but I was stressed out to the hilt. But those are all excuses but since things in my life had started to look up I have a whole new outlook on life right now. 

So first thing first…K&T adopted a beautiful baby girl who we will call A and she is gorgeous, she is 10 months old (well 11 months now) and her who adoption situation is completely different situation so all those fears that I had about another “birth mom” in the situation doesn’t exist because their situation is completely different. It’s not even really a birth mom situation. And so many things are coming up, Easter, Mother’s Day, Birth Mother’s Day, and then Easy love’s birthday (HE’S GONNA BE 2!!!). So many amazing, yet emotional holidays, but I know that I will be able to get through them. 

But anyways up to date on stuff, my 25th birthday was amazing with my amazing friends and family, Ashlee had her baby Hayden in January, Ashlee’s birthday was amazing and up to date with the past month: 

So, the family and I have started going back to church, we felt like He was calling us and that we were needed in His worship, and boy were we right. We started right at a brand new series in church called “Woman Seeking Man Seeking Woman” which was about the book of Ruth, and whether a man is a manipulator, or a redeemer…so for example, do you want a man who manipulates you, or REDEEMS you, which was pretty awesome of a series. There was also a night where Scot talked about being a woman of character and NOT desperation, as well as last week’s talk was about loving yourself before you can fully love someone else. And tonight’s was about putting the mission before the mate. And that if being single was what was supposed to happen then it would, and that that was just God’s plan. But I think that this series is an amazing one and I was very happy that we attended church. And last week I got this inkling that He had a plan for me, and that He wanted to me to serve in His cause, especially in His church. So, I got online and emailed the director of ministries and today I started my first day of service and I knew that THIS was exactly where I was meant to be and meant to serve! I was in the 4 year old’s classroom and it was amazing. Just seeing how excited the kids were to learn about God :). It reminded me of of when I was a kid and I would be in Sunday school.

So, I took a huge leap of faith, and I KNEW that He was calling me to do this work, so I volunteered to be in the 5 year old’s classroom in the mornings so that I could still see the sermons at night with my hubby. And tonight’s sermon MOVED me, I think God was watching over our church and just moving mountains it was simply amazing! 

On another note, Trent’s job is going good and he’s moved up and he’s gotten a pay raise which is fabulous and I am so blessed that He is providing for us in a way that I never imagined. He is a provider and He always provides. 

Let’s see, other news is that Kaelyn is officially getting her name changed from Hoke (my maiden name) to Davis which is her biological father’s name. The paperwork has been filed, and I have to wait until April 16th to call and have the court date set, which I am completely nervous about, I mean she’s had my name for 5 years! It’s been a very bittersweet moment, because Trent has been SUCH an amazing father to her, and I wish that she could have his last name, but I know that Jimmy loves Kaelyn and K deserves to have his last name. And also, Kaelyn is getting registered for KINDERGARTEN on April 13th, which I am also freaking out about, because she’s my little girl and I can’t believe that it’s already time to start this phase in her life. But it is new and exciting and she is going to love it!!!

But, I thought that I would be able to keep this sweet and simple but it is long and outdrawn. I am so blessed and happy and I couldn’t ask for a better life at this point. 

 

Ask.Believe.Recieve

 

-myinnerfight-

:17 hours and counting:

So it has been 17 hours since I had my last cigarette and needless to say I want to rip my hair out. I’ve been trying to keep myself busy by watching tv with the kids, eating a healthy lunch of ramen noodles and an apple with some peanut butter, but now I’m starting to get a headache and my chest feels like its caving in….but I’m sure that this will all be worth it in the end. Hopefully all of this leads to something wonderful, such as my 60 lb weight loss goal I have! Ya never know….it could happen! But stay tuned for some other posts….hopefully these days get easier and that today is the worst of it it. Because if it is I know that I can definitely handle it.

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